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MrsTosh

The Irish Millionaire

[-]

Posts: 1091

( 8-Apr-09 6:09 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

The Irish
Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000
pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris
Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one
lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is
riding on this question.... ..will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick.. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which
of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A : Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use
me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate, and
told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's
simple...... it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you
sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone
and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that
your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the
presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million
pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their
local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name
did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own
nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MrsTosh

In line with a discussion from this morning...

[-]

Posts: 1111

(11-Apr-09 5:16 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

In North America,women are richer than men.

Barbie Dolls

One day a father leaves work and on his way home he suddenly remembers

That it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one

Of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach

Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced

Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!

Why on earth is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The pompous salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,

Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key

Chain made with Ken's balls'.

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MereMale

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

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Posts: 56

(12-Apr-09 3:50 PM)

Bogged from another forum

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

MrsTosh

Bob and the Blonde

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Posts: 1140

(17-Apr-09 3:00 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MrsTosh

French Paratroopers.

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Posts: 1141

(17-Apr-09 3:10 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one,
"'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At
seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me
out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and
'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your
burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MereMale

[-]

Posts: 62

(18-Apr-09 10:55 AM)

A Story About Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet alls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 1142

(18-Apr-09 11:34 AM)

herbal fairy godmother

OMG! What a classic!!

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 1143

(20-Apr-09 4:39 PM)

3 wheeler

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,

even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration,

as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup..

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,

flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,

the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,

the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School ' bumper sticker,

and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk;

naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Priceless

Kermit

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!'

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Posts: 56

(30-Apr-09 4:02 PM)

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache
and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,
I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work.....
You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

GTR-AUS Member #233
MRA of SA Member #6150
Ulysses Member #32460

MrsTosh

Little Johnny

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Posts: 1190

( 1-May-09 6:18 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think !
Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?

His mum replies - Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school ...

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mum says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mum replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MrsTosh

On the first day...

[-]

Posts: 1199

( 2-May-09 5:31 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MrsTosh

Will I live to see 80?

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Posts: 1203

( 3-May-09 1:28 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Will I live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I have a friend who recently picked a new primary-care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he told her she was doing "fairly well" for someone her age. She had just turned 49.

She was a little concerned about the comment and asked him if he thought she would live to be 80.

He asked her if she smoked tobacco or drank beer or wine. She told him no and that she didn't do drugs either.

He asked her if she ate red meat, barbecued ribs, and stuff like that. She told him only on a really rare basis. She believes red meat is very unhealthy.

He asked her if she spent a lot of time in the sun playing golf, swimming, sailing, hiking or bicycling.

She told him she avoids the sun like the plague.

He asked her if she gambled, drove her car recklessly, or had a lot of sex..

She told him no!

He asked. . . . . . . . . . . "then, why do you even give a shit?"

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 1163

( 3-May-09 5:58 PM)

3 wheeler

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife
the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued
She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

Please ... "Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 1164

( 3-May-09 6:00 PM)

3 wheeler

An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 1165

( 3-May-09 6:04 PM)

3 wheeler

Nebraska Story

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as
> part of a task
> > force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The
> agents tell the
> > rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for
> illegally grown drugs." The
> > old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that
> field over there." The DEA
> > agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have
> the authority of the
> > Federal Government with us." Reaching into his
> rear pocket and removing
> > his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the
> farmer. "See this badge?
> > This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish
> on any land. No
> > questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself
> clear? Do you
> > understand?" The old rancher nods politely and
> goes about his chores.
> > Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies
> the three agents
> > running for their lives and close behind is the
> rancher's bull. With
> > every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents.
> They are clearly
> > terrified.The old rancher immediately throws down his
> tools, runs to the
> > fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
> "Your badges! Show him your
> > badges!"

b4cchaplain

[-]

Posts: 531

( 5-May-09 7:37 PM)

I Live Here

Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Bikers For Christ
Brisbane Biker Marriage Celebrant

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 1208

( 6-May-09 4:37 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

How very familiar ALL of those sound! Things don't really change after all do they??

Trace'

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

doorstop

[-]

Posts: 136

( 6-May-09 5:13 PM)

Have some fun with this;

http://www.samsung.com/au/samsungu900/game/

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 1212

( 6-May-09 5:43 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

That's a difficult one Doorstop!!! Had a go and failed twice!! Apparently my biological father was a member of the NSW Shooters!! When I was in Army (school) Cadets way back in '83 (first chicks allowed by the way...cool) we got to use M16's (I think? 28 rounds semi automatic??) at Singleton. The chicks beat the the fellas! Ha! I think I still have the piece of paper somewhere??? I was a pretty good shot, but boy did that M16 have some kick back! Had a bruise on my shoulder for a few days. Pretty good for a young girl of only 15.

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MereMale

[-]

Posts: 83

( 7-May-09 5:42 PM)

14,850 score

Don't mind the game

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