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MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 921

(20-Feb-09 7:08 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Glad you liked it! As it's soon coming into porridge season here it will now make me think twice before tucking in! Eeeeeeeeeeew!

Mrs Tosh HFG

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 922

(20-Feb-09 7:10 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Por qué monto a caballo? Como puedo!

Okay...So what's that mean?

Mrs Tosh HFG

reader57

[-]

Posts: 255

(21-Feb-09 1:13 PM)

Hangs Out Here

Why do I ride? Because I can!

Peter H

1000GTR Blue 2001 "JB"
GTR-AUS #179
FarRider #176
Ulysses #49641
Swan Hill Victoria

Por quÃ© monto a caballo? Como puedo!

SidecarDON

Tax Oudit

[-]

Posts: 1076

(23-Feb-09 11:55 AM)

3 wheeler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 926

(23-Feb-09 4:22 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

reader57 wrote:
Why do I ride? Because I can!

I LIKE it!

Mrs Tosh HFG

Gtr Mick

[-]

Posts: 12

(25-Feb-09 7:22 PM)

Still Here

A set of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 942

(28-Feb-09 6:19 AM)

herbal fairy godmother

A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says "What would you like?" The polar bear says "I'd like a............................................................................................................................beer thanks." The barman says "Why the big pause?" (paws....) Silly I know...

Mrs Tosh HFG

MrsTosh

Bankers. This one from England and an ex-bankers wife no less!

[-]

Posts: 943

(28-Feb-09 6:39 AM)

herbal fairy godmother

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of
this year only two banks will be left operational ...

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place
will
be full of of bloody wankers

Mrs Tosh HFG

MrsTosh

The Emu

[-]

Posts: 949

( 3-Mar-09 9:03 AM)

herbal fairy godmother

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Mrs Tosh HFG

MrsTosh

Queensland Jackeroo

[-]

Posts: 976

(12-Mar-09 3:28 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MrsTosh

Stimulus Payment Information

[-]

Posts: 977

(12-Mar-09 3:42 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Stimulus Payment Information.

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new

program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgin.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set or some such

thing, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your

stimulus cheque wisely:

If you spend that money at Kmart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

If you buy a car it will go to Japan .

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the Australian economy.

We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money in Australia by spending

it at garage sales, going to a cricket match or footy game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer

and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses that may still be

owned by Aussies.

Thank you all Australians,

Your mate,

K.RUDD.

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

reader57

The spoon

[-]

Posts: 273

(16-Mar-09 5:22 PM)

Hangs Out Here

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Peter H

1000GTR Blue 2001 "JB"
GTR-AUS #179
FarRider #176
Ulysses #49641
Swan Hill Victoria

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 1003

(17-Mar-09 1:18 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow! but ha ha ha ha.

One for the ladies. Men too if you've ever been to a gym.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNES DAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over , he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

MrsTosh

Johnsons' mother-in-law

[-]

Posts: 1006

(18-Mar-09 6:59 AM)

herbal fairy godmother

A man is passing a church when he notices a long queue of men lined up out front. Curious; he wandered up and asked a feller in the queue who's funeral it was.

"It's Johnson's mother-in-law. He bought a new donkey but when he got it home it went berserk and kicked her to death."

Incredulous the man responded "where would ya get hold of a donkey like that?!!?"

"Go to the back of the queue!"

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

doorstop

[-]

Posts: 122

(18-Mar-09 7:23 AM)

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker
> catches
> >> his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
> hooker,
> "How
> >> much?"
> >>
> >> Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
> >>
> >> Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that
> kind of
> >> money!"
> >> The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
> >>
> >> "Yes."
> >>
> >> "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
> >>
> >> "Yes."
> >>
> >> "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
> >>
> >> "Yes."
> >>
> >> "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I
> own
> them
> >> because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
> >>
> >> Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
> >>
> >> They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
> sitting
> on
> >> the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime
>
> worth
> >> every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
> >> "I suppose a blow job is $1,000?"
> >>
> >> The hooker replies, "$1,500."
> >>
> >> "$1,500? No blow job could be worth that."
> >>
> >> The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
> see
> >> that
> >> casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
> own
> it
> >> because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
> >>
> >> The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says,
> "Sign me
> >> up."
> >> Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
> >>
> >> He can't believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He
> >> decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
> >> unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some
> pussy?"
> >>
> >> The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the
> whole
> >> city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights,
> >> gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
> >>
> >> "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
> >>
> >> "No," the hooker replies, "But I would if I had a pussy."
>

MereMale

[-]

Posts: 20

(18-Mar-09 5:20 PM)

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save
his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

Last Edited By: MereMale 18-Mar-09 5:43 PM. Edited 1 times.

MereMale

[-]

Posts: 21

(19-Mar-09 9:02 AM)

Recieved this in an email, and it was in pdf form and not sure how to post a pdf here.
So please emagine this on a blue form with the ATO logo top right hand corner and a pic of Mr Rudd at the end.

Stimulus Payment Information.

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new
program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgin.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set or some such
thing, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your
stimulus cheque wisely:

If you spend that money at Kmart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .
And none of it will help the Australian economy.

We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money in Australia by spending
it at garage sales, going to a cricket match or footy game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses that may still be
owned by Aussies.

Thank you all Australians,

Your mate,
K.RUDD.

MrsTosh

Donald Duck

[-]

Posts: 1019

(24-Mar-09 10:56 AM)

herbal fairy godmother

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three.

Reception asks shall I put them on your bill?

Donald replies "Don't be f******ng stupid I'll suffocate"

Mrs Tosh HFG

" Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

SidecarDON

LAWYERS

[-]

Posts: 1106

(26-Mar-09 7:51 PM)

3 wheeler

One afternoon a lawyer, , was riding in his Jaguar when he
Saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
Investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
Man replied. 'We have to eat grass...'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' said the lawyer
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
Are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'
The second man, in
a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX
children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the Jaguar.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the the lawyer And
said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high'.

MereMale

Leather Dresses‏

[-]

Posts: 36

( 2-Apr-09 12:32 PM)

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

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