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armybguide

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Posts: 142

(25-Jan-09 2:36 PM)

Not married anymore Bob lol
or did you mean Charles one ?

Ken Pyke
GTR-AUS 118
Ulyssses 35827
1998 Kawasaki GTR 1000 Green
2008 Kawasaki GTR 1400 Black "Le Noir"
Lives Dimboola Vic
Works Telfer WA

BobS

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Posts: 678

(25-Jan-09 2:38 PM)

I Live Here

Definately not the Charles one I posted the reply before getting to Charlie

MrsTosh

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Posts: 837

(25-Jan-09 5:07 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

As my Father-in-Law's an Ex Naval Captain I wonder if he'd appreciate it??

Mrs Tosh HFG

armybguide

[-]

Posts: 145

(25-Jan-09 9:26 PM)

Probably more than you think

Ken Pyke
GTR-AUS 118
Ulyssses 35827
1998 Kawasaki GTR 1000 Green
2008 Kawasaki GTR 1400 Black "Le Noir"
Lives Dimboola Vic
Works Telfer WA

reader57

[-]

Posts: 241

(27-Jan-09 12:58 PM)

Hangs Out Here

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched what they spent.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy food and exercise for the last decade. One day their good health was to no avail when they went on a rare vacation. Their plane crashed in a field and the couple found themselves in Heaven.

They reached the Pearly Gates and St Peter himself escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks. There was a fully stocked kitchen and even a waterfall in the master bedroom suite. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the walk in closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St Peter said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked St Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why nothing" St Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven for the excellent life that you have lived."

The old man looked out the window and there, in front of the mansion, was a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth… "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is Heaven. You can play for free every day" replied St Peter.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw a magnificent buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them. "Don't even ask." St Peter said. "This is Heaven. It is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked all around and nervously looked at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. St Peter replied, "That's the best part. You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get sick or fat. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to" was the answer. "There is no testing of blood pressure or sugar levels here. All you do is enjoy yourself. This is Heaven!"

The Old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f@%*ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago."

Peter H

1000GTR Blue 2001 "JB"
GTR-AUS #179
Ulysses #49641
Swan Hill Victoria

Por qué monto a caballo? Como puedo!

SidecarDON

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Posts: 1033

(27-Jan-09 5:13 PM)

3 wheeler

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE.I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

addlesmun

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Posts: 64

(28-Jan-09 9:21 AM)

I Live Here

Do you know rubber gloves are made?

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip
in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!

MrsTosh

Giving up wine

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Posts: 870

( 3-Feb-09 3:17 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
>
> I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
>
> 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
>
> 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
>
> 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
>
> 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
>
> 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!'
>
> 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
>
> The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

>
> I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.'

Mrs Tosh HFG

MrsTosh

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Posts: 871

( 3-Feb-09 3:42 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

P.S. That was for Bob S who doesn't like "female junk."

Mrs Tosh HFG

BobS

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Posts: 687

( 4-Feb-09 2:50 PM)

I Live Here

Hey Mrs T I laughed at that one but I won't tell Mary she'll go out looking for a homeless woman else

SidecarDON

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Posts: 1039

( 4-Feb-09 4:43 PM)

3 wheeler

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love,

couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies so, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,

"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

MrsTosh

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Posts: 880

( 4-Feb-09 5:00 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

Mrs Tosh HFG

SidecarDON

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Posts: 1040

( 4-Feb-09 5:27 PM)

3 wheeler

Poem about our Australian summer

Extremely touching and thought provoking!!

I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be

a comfort to you, and it's very well written; I hope you enjoy it

'An Aussie Summer '
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Fuck, It's HOT !

Last Edited By: SidecarDON 5-Feb-09 2:59 PM. Edited 1 times.

SidecarDON

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Posts: 1046

( 5-Feb-09 2:58 PM)

3 wheeler

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we

all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is

to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't

finished and, before leaving the house this morning,

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys,

abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies,

tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a

box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.......hic!

Myeeme

The Middle Wife

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Posts: 62

( 6-Feb-09 5:53 AM)

Still Here

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet
turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one
day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her
turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under
her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby
brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and
Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my
Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an
umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom
starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her
back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,
oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad
called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign
on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like
this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then,
pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got
thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying
'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even
got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered
in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre,
(placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out,
the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'Then Erica stood up,
took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded
the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my
camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Malcolm (Myeeme) Milne
GTR-AUS member #175
Farrider member #122
IFMR member #204
GTR1400 Black

SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 1048

( 6-Feb-09 7:50 AM)

3 wheeler

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money i had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

MrsTosh

BIKER CHILLI

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Posts: 897

(11-Feb-09 3:14 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

BIKER CHILI
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy bar in Sturgis , SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After a few minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking, and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too"

Mrs Tosh HFG

SidecarDON

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Posts: 1058

(11-Feb-09 4:51 PM)

3 wheeler

LMAO

reader57

[-]

Posts: 248

(11-Feb-09 6:01 PM)

Hangs Out Here

Peter H

1000GTR Blue 2001 "JB"
GTR-AUS #179
Ulysses #49641
Swan Hill Victoria

Por qué monto a caballo? Como puedo!

BobS

[-]

Posts: 696

(12-Feb-09 10:11 AM)

I Live Here

Good one Mrs T then us blokes would appreciate a joke like that...Reminds me of the time I was in Army Apprentice School many moons ago when a bloke pulled a mouse out of his porridge, nearly caused a riot and not a good way to start the day

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