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SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 814

(13-Jun-08 7:42 PM)

3 wheeler

A Ozzie was riding his Concours 1400 along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Lord, build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how >she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge

SidecarDON

Oops,Sprung

[-]

Posts: 815

(13-Jun-08 7:47 PM)

3 wheeler

A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.
The dad laughs, throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom. He
enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his nan one.

The dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when its your mum is it?' says the lad

gtrob59

[-]

Posts: 10

(15-Jun-08 9:08 PM)

Still Here

Two men are on opposites sides of the world, but are both thinking the exact same thing.

One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers,

The other is getting a blow-job from an 84 year old woman.

What are they both thinking???

DON'T LOOK DOWN!!! DON'T LOOK DOWN!!! DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!

Sebastionbear

[-]

Posts: 74

(15-Jun-08 10:35 PM)

failure to launch

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a road trip on their GTR1000. They camp out on the first night deep in the Australian Outback. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Aussiedav

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Posts: 3714

(17-Jun-08 1:49 PM)

FarRider

A mate wakes from some serious surgery in hospital has all the usual tubes and oxygen mask etc, he finds himself being sponge bathed by a young nurse.

He asks the nurse "are my testicles black ? ", the nurse looks at him confused as he speaking through an oxygen mask, she asks him to repeat what he has just said, and he says "Are my testicles black ?", the nurse in an effort to calm him roles back the blanket and proceeds to gentle lift the old fella up and genlte cup his sack whilst checking very carefully, with some releif she replaces the blanket and tells him that they are not and that everything looks fine.

At this point my mate removes the oxygen mask and thanks the nurse, telling her that it was very nice of her, he then tells her to listen very carefully and says...................................................................................."ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK !"

Davo
1400GTR "Roo" & 1000GTR "Griff"
IBA #22575 - Davo's Pages

codhog

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Posts: 25

(17-Jun-08 2:08 PM)

Hangs Out Here

Priceless p

hotos or 2

Roverfj1200

[-]

Posts: 110

(19-Jun-08 7:52 AM)

I Live Here

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Money thats all I need.
Petrie Queensland
Farride number 71
Coming home ain't quite as fine as leaving.
Home page

SidecarDON

[-]

Posts: 824

(19-Jun-08 9:02 AM)

3 wheeler

Imagine if all major retailers started marketing their own condoms and used their existing well known tag-lines...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal-quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

The Manchester United Condom................One Yank and your whole world falls apart

Sebastionbear

[-]

Posts: 94

(19-Jun-08 9:04 AM)

failure to launch

Hey Rover,

My partner just does not see the humour in that...........
I told her that joke a while ago and she replied that it just proved that the majority of men were liars!

Mates: a good mate will bail you out when you go to jail after a wild night on the turps
A true mate will be sitting next to you saying "damn we messed up but s^*! that was fun!"

Australian Definition of a True Friend

Here are a series of promises that really speaks of true mateship:

When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry mongrel who made you that way.

When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be to stop you bloody whining.

When you are confused - I will use little words.

When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my mate

Remember: A good mate will help you move. A really good mate will help you move a body. So let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel

Roverfj1200

[-]

Posts: 111

(19-Jun-08 6:53 PM)

I Live Here

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes .

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.!

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19! Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Money thats all I need.
Petrie Queensland
Farride number 71
Coming home ain't quite as fine as leaving.
Home page

SidecarDON

Blindagate

[-]

Posts: 828

(25-Jun-08 3:11 PM)

3 wheeler

With Apologies to AB Paterson:

For years I brown-nosed bastards from the Centre to the Right,

I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.

And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,

And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.

And now I make the bastards pay,

So if you need a deal

Remember who you're talking to,

Belinda f---ing Neal..

If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the arse,

Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?

And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red

And gives me marching orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.

I shoved my nose into her face,

You should have heard her squeal!

Do you know who you are dealing with?

Belinda f---ing Neal.

I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him

And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.

All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer

And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma has to suffer.

But the MC at the wedding breakfast

Made a blue for real -

She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm

Belinda f---ing Neal.

Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)

The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.

I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,

I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.

I only said, so nice and quiet

You could hear the church bells peal,

Do you know who you're dealing with?

Belinda f---ing Neal!

But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,

Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.

"We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,

And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".

His one mistake was stamping it

With his "Della Bosca" Seal.

He should have let me do it,

I'm Belinda F---ing Neal

sirion06

[-]

Posts: 1445

(25-Jun-08 6:00 PM)

I Live Here

She would have to be the 2nd most silly woman in Australia right behind her party's No 2.
Michael

Roverfj1200

What can I say.................

[-]

Posts: 123

(27-Jun-08 2:59 PM)

I Live Here

link

Money thats all I need.
Petrie Queensland
Farride number 71
Coming home ain't quite as fine as leaving.
Home page

large

[-]

Posts: 39

( 4-Jul-08 8:28 AM)

Hangs Out Here

UPS Air Cargo

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet',' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's whatfriction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Alan
FarRider #90
2001 Kawasaki ZZR1100
Brisbane QLD

David

[-]

Posts: 87

( 5-Jul-08 9:21 PM)

Hangs Out Here

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
and the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

David
Adelaide.

MrsTosh

[-]

Posts: 77

(18-Jul-08 7:20 PM)

herbal fairy godmother

What starts with a C ends in T and has a U and an N in it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A CocoNUT....! Ha ha ha ha... Bet you thought it was rude!!!

large

cruise ship sank

[-]

Posts: 69

(20-Aug-08 6:55 PM)

Hangs Out Here

Cruise ship sank...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ....

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F@@KING Hell, don't tell me you've got GTR-AUS on the Internet?'

Alan
FarRider #90
2001 Kawasaki ZZR1100
Brisbane QLD

Sebastionbear

[-]

Posts: 358

(20-Aug-08 7:11 PM)

failure to launch

Brilliant joke Alan - loved it!

Alana thinks I'm addicted to GTR-AUS

Aussiedav

[-]

Posts: 4155

(20-Aug-08 8:17 PM)

FarRider

Stolen from another forum.......... hey they will never miss it

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Ed itorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

J u venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to temperatures Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?

Davo
1400GTR "Roo" & 1000GTR "Griff"
IBA #22575 - Davo's Pages

Tomows

[-]

Posts: 3

(24-Aug-08 9:41 PM)

I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad minton.

.......................................

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'
.................................................................................

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'F#*k off, you won't bring it back.'

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