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I like your thinking there David.
We could only wish.

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid
picture...
funny stuff. You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of
action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t
yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,
the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish
the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a
cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us
at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in
the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for
freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their
way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The
peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in
a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned
clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've
warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an
invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all
he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there
blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off
angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer
funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the
restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass
is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when
you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to
return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over
the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS

AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS

AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS

AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD

AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.

THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD

MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD !'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, ' WHY DO YOU SAY THAT ? '

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND

ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ' COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH. '

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT ?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND ALL,

AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SUDDENLY, SHE FARTED

AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...

TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER !